


When I Am This

by valda



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy, Star Wars: Aftermath - Chuck Wendig
Genre: Hero Worship, M/M, Self-Worth Issues, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2020-04-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:33:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23485357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/valda/pseuds/valda
Summary: Armitage Hux dreamed of being rescued by Jedi hero Luke Skywalker when he was a child. As an adult, he's sure heroes don't actually exist. But then, one day in a grubby cantina, he discovers that Luke is real.
Relationships: Armitage Hux/Luke Skywalker
Comments: 10
Kudos: 23





	When I Am This

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written on Twitter [here](https://twitter.com/coselia/status/1220107242722164736). Thanks to Sandrah93 for the prompt!

There was no way Luke Skywalker was _actually real_. He was a story the New Republic told to comfort its populace into complacency. Armitage had figured this out young; if there were really a hero Jedi out there fighting for those in need, he would have saved Armitage, surely.

Armitage barely remembered Arkanis. He remembered rain, and he remembered a fireplace, and he remembered a smell he couldn’t place but always made him hungry. He remembered part of a song, but really just the melody.

The New Republic had attacked, and it wasn’t Luke Skywalker who swept in and saved Armitage. It was the First Order. They’d done their best. They couldn’t know what would happen to Armitage later. They were the closest thing to a hero Armitage had. He had to believe in them.

Later, he realized, they might have known after all. And that might be good. Because it made him strong. Heroes weren’t real, really. You had to help yourself. The First Order helped Armitage learn that. They were right. He believed all the more strongly.

The idea that Luke Skywalker was out there somewhere, training a new generation of Jedi, whatever that even meant...well, it was ridiculous. Armitage didn’t think about it.

Except when he did.

Because if he _was_ real...

Armitage closed his eyes and put his drink down.

He was too old to still be thinking about fairy tales. Too important to be wasting time on flights of fancy. He was here because he had a mission; he shouldn’t have settled into this booth, shouldn’t have ordered a drink, shouldn’t have let himself relax. He was better than this.

He was in enemy territory now, and he had to be careful. Armitage straightened and looked furtively around the dimly lit bar. If what his classmates had said was true, the New Republic defector would be here to meet the courier any minute. Armitage would meet them first.

It was a rite of passage in the shipboard Academy to visit the New Republic, to infiltrate and return with a deeper understanding of that government’s excesses and amorality. Armitage wanted to take it further. He wanted to strike a blow.

His plan was to find the defector, force them to name allies or give up codes or provide some sort of information Armitage could use against the New Republic later. He would prove to everyone that he was worthy of being an officer, on his own merits. That he was _better_ —

Something in the air...changed. Armitage couldn’t explain it if he tried. The room just felt different. People were looking to the door, so Armitage looked too.

And standing there in a brown poncho was a man around Father’s age. He had a beard and bright blue eyes. There was a lightsaber at his hip.

Armitage honestly hadn’t thought lightsabers were real either. He blinked, his mouth gone suddenly dry. Whoever this man was, he radiated power. But there was something in his eyes too. Something strange. Open? Playful? Incongruous. Armitage would expect that sort of look to be on the face of a weakling, but this man was anything but. He was—

He was coming to Armitage’s table.

Armitage started to get up, but the man was suddenly there, sitting down across from him. “Hi,” he said.

“Hello,” Armitage said suspiciously.

“You’re not my contact,” the man replied. He seemed thoughtful. “But the Force guided me to you.”

“The Force?” Armitage laughed. “Is that supposed to be a pick-up line? Who would fall for that?”

The man had the decency to look embarrassed. “I didn’t mean that. That way,” he said. Then he gave Armitage a sad smile. “Do people often try to take advantage of you?”

This man he’d never seen before was pitying him now. Armitage pushed up from the table with a clatter. “Leave me alone. You don’t know me.”

“You’re right,” the man said. He stood too, gave Armitage a nod, and walked away.

Armitage sat back down, dumbfounded and angry. He forgot completely about his plan, and instead watched the horrible man move across the room and greet a Sullustian. “Hey,” Armitage said, flagging down a passing server. “That man. Is he a regular?”

The server glanced the direction Armitage pointed, did a double take, then looked back to Armitage, brows coming together. “You’re asking me if Luke Skywalker is a regular? Uh, no.”

Armitage blinked. Blinked again. Licked his lips. “I’m not a fool, and I’d appreciate not being treated as one,” he said.

“What?”

“Luke Skywalker isn’t _real_.”

He must have spoken too loudly. Several heads turned. A Twi’lek called, “Sure he is. He’s right over there.”

Armitage felt his face going scarlet. The bearded man turned back in his direction, raising an eyebrow. Armitage quickly looked away, grabbed his drink and took a long pull.

After a few minutes, people stopped staring at him like he was an absolute moron. Cautiously, he looked back over to the man—Luke Skywalker, apparently. Luke Skywalker! Jedi hero! A figure from stories who should not be a real, actual person.

Skywalker met Armitage’s eyes, smiled, and returned to his conversation. Armitage didn’t look away. He watched as Skywalker talked, watched as the Sullustian gave him something, watched as Skywalker tipped the bartender and moved toward the door.

Then Armitage followed.

They were a few streets away before Skywalker stopped and turned to face him. “Can I help you?” he asked, but he didn’t sound sarcastic. It was as though he actually meant the words and would help Armitage if he asked.

Armitage was suddenly angry again. “Why are you here _now_?”

Skywalker cocked his head to the side. “What do you mean?”

“I don’t need you _now_ ,” Armitage said. “Why didn’t you come—” Realizing what he was saying, Armitage snapped his mouth shut.

Skywalker considered him for a moment. “If you needed me and I wasn’t there, I’m sorry.”

Inexplicably, Armitage’s eyes started to sting. “Heroes aren’t real, even if you are.”

“There are heroes everywhere,” Skywalker countered. “You could be a hero.” He stepped a bit closer. For all he was older, he was also shorter than Armitage, his blue eyes turning upward. “The thing with heroes is, no one person can do everything, no matter how heroic they are. But an individual can do a lot _where they are_. And they can inspire others to be heroes where _they_ are.”

Armitage felt an odd swelling in his chest. There was power in Skywalker’s words. There could be power, heroism, in speaking, he realized. And speaking was something he was good at.

Armitage chewed his lip. “All right,” he said. “You didn’t have to come. Everything turned out the way it should have anyway.”

Skywalker was quiet. “What did you need?” he asked finally.

“I was just a child,” Armitage said dismissively. “I thought I needed saving. But I’m where I ought to be, after all.” He felt himself smiling. “Thank you.”

Skywalker looked thoughtful, but he smiled back. “Glad I could help,” he said.

Luke Skywalker was indeed a hero. He was where he needed to be when he needed to be there. Armitage had needed to hear this today. To know what he could do that his father couldn’t.

He could rally the troops. He could unite the First Order.

He wanted to ask Skywalker to come back with him to the Unknown Regions. Maybe he would understand. Maybe he would help.

But no. If the stories were true, Skywalker was part of the executive arm of the New Republic. Armitage couldn’t take the chance of exposing the First Order.

Maybe, though, Armitage could give Skywalker a parting gift.

Armitage took Skywalker by the hand and led him into a nearby alley. Skywalker looked at him curiously. Then his breath audibly caught as Armitage went to his knees.

“Wait,” Skywalker said in a choked voice.

Armitage was beautiful. He knew he was. This usually didn’t take much convincing. “Is it heroic to turn down a gift?” he asked softly, reaching for Skywalker’s trousers.

“I—” Skywalker didn’t seem to have a way to finish that statement. But he caught Armitage’s hands, held them.

“Skywalker,” Armitage said. Then he thought the better of it. “Luke.”

Luke tugged on Armitage’s hands, pulling him back to his feet. “I don’t...” he said.

“I could give you something else, if you don’t like my mouth,” Armitage said.

“No, I...” Luke closed his eyes.

Armitage bent close, touched Luke’s lips with his own.

For a moment, Luke was kissing him back. Armitage was kissing Luke Skywalker, Jedi hero. He pulled back, started to kneel again. But—

“No,” Luke said. “I’m sorry.” He looked dazed. He was touching his lips.

Armitage’s eyes were stinging again. He blinked rapidly. “Why?” he croaked out.

“I am a Jedi,” Luke said, as if that explained anything. But then he said, “I shouldn’t want this.”

“But you do,” Armitage said.

Luke swallowed, then nodded.

The New Republic was disordered, illogical, demanding restraint when it didn’t matter and gluttony when it did. Luke was trapped in that mindset, it seemed. It wasn’t Armitage’s fault at all. Luke couldn’t help it.

This knowledge would help Armitage someday too.

“It’s all right,” he said soothingly, touching Luke’s cheek. “Goodbye.”

When Armitage returned to the academy, his classmates asked him laughingly if he’d found a New Republic defector. They’d been playing a joke, it seemed. They’d meant for him to make a fool of himself.

“I found something better,” he told them, and that was all he’d say.

~

Years later, Luke Skywalker appeared before him again, facing the might of the First Order alone on Crait. Kylo Ren ordered every gun to fire on him.

Armitage watched until he couldn’t anymore. “Do you think you got him?” he asked bitterly.

But Ren _hadn’t_ gotten him.

It was with a mixture of disgust and delight that Armitage watched Luke make a fool of his greatest enemy. Luke couldn’t do everything. But he could make a difference where he was.

And he did.

**Author's Note:**

> The title's from _The Last Unicorn_ , which I was thinking of when I wrote the line "Why are you here _now_?"


End file.
